Each person goes through their own adventures, trials and errors before they finally accept themselves. I'm going to use this as a way to express all the different tribulations I've gone through in my life time of denial. It all started with a game I would play in my childhood, Furcadia. I have always had an addiction of sorts to massive multiplayer games and the double life that can come with them. Even before delving into a role playing world such as of Furcadia. First off I feel I should explain about the game a little. It is a text based story writing game of sorts. You create your own character, a 'Fursona' and from there you write a short paragraph about the description, back story, or maybe actions they may be doing the moment you click upon them. I believe this game is what created many 'Furries" as the internet likes to call them. An obsession on anthropomorphic characters that follow in their stead. One could say many of them came from older sites around the web. 4chan is one that was always popular for the idea, coining the phrase "Yiff in hell, furfags".
That being said, 4chan was always the darkest cestpool of the internet, with anonymity humans are truly the most cruel creature on planet earth. Hence my obsession with something else~
Here are my experiences, starting from the beginning.
My first character was one named Serenity, a random word I choose that means a sense of calm, or tranquility. I choose this name for several reasons, as a child I was diagnosed ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and put on Ritalin. It was suppose to make me pay better attention in school but often times instead of paying attention. I would get lost in my own mind, zoning out and creating a playground of imagination in my own thoughts. Teachers would call on me and pull me out of my own dreamscape, asking me questions. I'd grow nervous as I was not paying enough attention, not having the answers they'd search for in me. I grew to detest the feeling, often avoiding answering if I could. I couldn't blame it all on the drug Ritalin, I've always had a distrust in authority figures. These situations only furthered my distrust, each time they made a fool out of me in front of my peers. I began to question if the Ritalin even helped at all. Finding myself getting into more trouble then before. So I stopped taking the drugs, in fear that they would make my problem worse.~
Serenity was a female character, which I choose because I often find myself relating to females more then males. At times I've been called a crybaby, knowing I lacked strength in controlling my emotions. Often times I would of been mistaken as a girl when I was a child. Mostly due to the fact I kept my hair long. My mother told me I was born with a 'rat tail' a hairstyle boys of the 80s wore. Of all my peers I could find myself making friends with more of the females then males. They could understand me better I had thought. More often then females, males would bully me forcing me to fight back which I hated to do. I had always been more of a lover then a fighter. Everything added together and caused me to grow a distrust and bias against other males.~
Serenity was also a feline, as a young child we had a dog named Samantha, she was pudgy and round hound mutt that had arthritis issues. Colored in mostly white with brown and orange markings. I remember from a very young age growing attached. until one day... she was gone. I had not experienced death yet and I came home from school to find her covered in a sheet, motionless on the floor. My parents had found her first but did not move her till I was there. I cried like a baby for my loss. Since I've always been afraid to grow attached to dogs. Though his feeling did not happen in relation to cats, we had a family cat as well, named Max. A tabby of black and gray, also pudgy and round. He seemed to live forever, outlasting my childhood. He might of grown to the age of 18 years old when he was finally taken to the vet to be put down. But I was not there to see it happen. Perhaps it was I felt cats were more feminine, so more to relate too. Maybe I saw them as more independent of their human families, something I always had trouble finding in myself.~
Serenity had white fur with blue hair. Simply white to imply innocence, purity of heart, strength of compassion and kindness. All things I've striven to be better at. As well as the fact that I was of Caucasian heritage. Blue hair came from my love of cartoons and anime. Always the nerdy child, playing video games or watching Saturday morning cartoons. Pokemon blue also happened to be my favorite as a child. I'd play it every day on the school bus until my mother decided I was old enough to walk home. Which in turn opened myself up to harassment from my peers, mainly males who choose to bully me for reasons I did not understand. Further increasing my bias against those of the same gender.~
Serenity ended up being everything I had long to be... but I was not the only one to notice. Furcadia as it's nature is an multi-player game. It wasn't long before I found my first secret lover. Her name was Daemona, a true opposite of my pure and white character. Though she was also a feline character, Daemona was black furred with yellow markings. That was when I had gotten my first pair of wings, her's sprouted first, a skeletal set with black feathers, mine were a fluffy set with white feathers. We'd swap music and stories of passionate love. Spending as many hours together as we could. She had looked as if she was the work of a devil, but to me... She was my fallen angel.~
Though not all love stories end in happiness.
My first character was one named Serenity, a random word I choose that means a sense of calm, or tranquility. I choose this name for several reasons, as a child I was diagnosed ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and put on Ritalin. It was suppose to make me pay better attention in school but often times instead of paying attention. I would get lost in my own mind, zoning out and creating a playground of imagination in my own thoughts. Teachers would call on me and pull me out of my own dreamscape, asking me questions. I'd grow nervous as I was not paying enough attention, not having the answers they'd search for in me. I grew to detest the feeling, often avoiding answering if I could. I couldn't blame it all on the drug Ritalin, I've always had a distrust in authority figures. These situations only furthered my distrust, each time they made a fool out of me in front of my peers. I began to question if the Ritalin even helped at all. Finding myself getting into more trouble then before. So I stopped taking the drugs, in fear that they would make my problem worse.~
Serenity was a female character, which I choose because I often find myself relating to females more then males. At times I've been called a crybaby, knowing I lacked strength in controlling my emotions. Often times I would of been mistaken as a girl when I was a child. Mostly due to the fact I kept my hair long. My mother told me I was born with a 'rat tail' a hairstyle boys of the 80s wore. Of all my peers I could find myself making friends with more of the females then males. They could understand me better I had thought. More often then females, males would bully me forcing me to fight back which I hated to do. I had always been more of a lover then a fighter. Everything added together and caused me to grow a distrust and bias against other males.~
Serenity was also a feline, as a young child we had a dog named Samantha, she was pudgy and round hound mutt that had arthritis issues. Colored in mostly white with brown and orange markings. I remember from a very young age growing attached. until one day... she was gone. I had not experienced death yet and I came home from school to find her covered in a sheet, motionless on the floor. My parents had found her first but did not move her till I was there. I cried like a baby for my loss. Since I've always been afraid to grow attached to dogs. Though his feeling did not happen in relation to cats, we had a family cat as well, named Max. A tabby of black and gray, also pudgy and round. He seemed to live forever, outlasting my childhood. He might of grown to the age of 18 years old when he was finally taken to the vet to be put down. But I was not there to see it happen. Perhaps it was I felt cats were more feminine, so more to relate too. Maybe I saw them as more independent of their human families, something I always had trouble finding in myself.~
Serenity had white fur with blue hair. Simply white to imply innocence, purity of heart, strength of compassion and kindness. All things I've striven to be better at. As well as the fact that I was of Caucasian heritage. Blue hair came from my love of cartoons and anime. Always the nerdy child, playing video games or watching Saturday morning cartoons. Pokemon blue also happened to be my favorite as a child. I'd play it every day on the school bus until my mother decided I was old enough to walk home. Which in turn opened myself up to harassment from my peers, mainly males who choose to bully me for reasons I did not understand. Further increasing my bias against those of the same gender.~
Serenity ended up being everything I had long to be... but I was not the only one to notice. Furcadia as it's nature is an multi-player game. It wasn't long before I found my first secret lover. Her name was Daemona, a true opposite of my pure and white character. Though she was also a feline character, Daemona was black furred with yellow markings. That was when I had gotten my first pair of wings, her's sprouted first, a skeletal set with black feathers, mine were a fluffy set with white feathers. We'd swap music and stories of passionate love. Spending as many hours together as we could. She had looked as if she was the work of a devil, but to me... She was my fallen angel.~
Though not all love stories end in happiness.
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