Serenity No More

   Serenity and Daemona went on to live happily ever after... At least that's the story I would of liked to write. The two did continue to socialize for a few months after, until eventually the demoness stopped appearing. No children to be found, no lover to be found, Serenity fell into a deep depression. She often worked at her place of employment, a new quietness to her job, as if everything seemed less meaningful. Until one day... the tavern simply closed down. Serenity's second home was no more and she had troubles finding a new place to go to. Every location seemed to pale in comparison. Now that all of her connections had seize to function the white kitten was left without any form of happiness in Furcadia. She took her life and deleted herself.
Not all love stories end with happiness

I moved on and distanced myself from Furcadia, at this moment I was starting high school and decided it was better to form new connections in the real world. This continued on for about two or three years while I kept my memories dear, never telling a soul about what had happened. I could never forget my first love, a secret I held till this blog. New friends were made, new adventures sought out in reality rather then fantasy. I ended up becoming brothers with a close friend named Pat. He had no where to go so I offered a bed at my place. We quickly became best friends and were often not seen without the other. Though Pat often the more sociable one, introducing me often.

Though about two years in we began to have trouble in the home, Pat and I often went out late at night to distract ourselves from our worries. Going over to hang out with friends or just climbing roof tops to look out over our small town. We felt as if we had a bird's eye view on everything happening in our high school, knowing many by name and hearing from quite a few. Pat began to depend on me for rides to and from work, friends and more. I became the designated driver on party nights. I never was one to enjoy drinking much. Giving me hours of practice, I enjoyed driving around town at night. Often going on routes with just a buddy and a joint. Listening to good tunes while we blazed up.

Though we were best friends we were never attracted to one another. Pat had his horrible list of lovers that seemed to have each a new issue. I ended up finding a girl who sat next to me in class. Her name was Jess. Something about her intrigued my curious feline mind. Perhaps it was just the fact that she didn't seem to judge me, always wanted to have fun. It could of been the fact that she too was also bisexual or maybe she was just to confused to know herself. Something I could relate to because I did not know it quite yet. I wanted to learn everything about her, she inspired me to be a better person. We would stay up all hours of the night gossiping on the phone. Talking about all manner of things. I fell in love with her, sparks igniting in my heart, forcing depression from my soul.

With a new motivation for life I did everything I could to please her and understand the world as it was. I began to see the future for what things could of been. We had both been raised on rock and roll, finding bands we could relate on and enjoy together. Many days and nights spent listening or just playing a game together. Jess always had an obsession with Green Day and that was something I could enjoy. I had previously learned of the band in middle school from my close friends. There was a forum of sorts for fans of Green Day that we both ended up returning to often. That was where we met a new friend... Chelly. While she was about two years younger and amazingly only two hours away. The three of us became the best friends I had in high school.

We often went on trips to see each other, bonding over many hours in a fashion. The three of us would talk back and forth over instant messaging constantly. While the concept was new at the time, we quickly used it for every means. The long nights of phone talk between Jess and myself came to a close. Though some times on dark nights Jess would demand my attention. She had been a cutter her whole life and I never realized it until she admitted to it. I could not understand exactly what caused her to harm herself. I figured it was a cry for attention, to what means I still don't know. Many dark nights I cheered her up and helped her resist the urges to cut herself. Jess quickly became my muse, my new angel. I could not stand for her to harm herself, no matter the reason.

The bonds between Jess, Chelly, and I strengthened and love blossomed between the three. Though not quite equal of sorts. I declared my love to Jess and she revealed to me that she was in love with Chelly. Who ended up stating that she was in love with me. A love triangle of sorts was formed between us three. Jess had told me that she was always bisexual, often saying she preferred females. I took this as a hopeless romantic and continued to pursue for her love. Is it wrong to hope for a chance I thought? Often times it seemed to be that Jess enjoyed to tease me with my new found feelings. Revealing slowly more about herself, which led to steamy nights of arousal. 

I'd feel guilty for doing these things, knowing Chelly was waiting on the sidelines. Until one night we had kissed, lips glide softly over each other while butterflies fluttered. Jess pressed back into the kiss and seemed to enjoy it. She suddenly pushed me away, for reasons I could not understand. Perhaps she was ashamed to be doing this behind Chelly's back. Regardless of second thoughts, the lust was clearly there. The fact that she had pushed me away was like a knife in my back. Breaking my heart into more pieces that I could manage to pick up. She never explained why she pushed me away, only claiming that I kissed like a girl.

Try as I might of, I continued on with the love triangle. Still hoping that Jess would be persuaded. I fell into another deep depression, growing irritable with the ones I cared about. I stopped offering Pat rides, he lost a job due to not being able to find a way of travel. He moved out after he had enough of my depressive nature, though we remained close friends.  I devoted the extra time I had gained to pleasing Jess in every way possible. A year went by and we had all become seniors now. In our last year of high school we started to plan for the future. I had goals with Jess in mind, though it would appear I was not in her's. She distanced herself from me and began to make new friends

The love triangle fell apart. Jess started to ignore my attempts to reach out for her. Of course this only caused me to fall deeper into depression. I gave up trying and forced myself to move on, making new friends and finding a new love interest. A frisky girl by the name of Kali, a punk girl with piercings. We would go out for lunch together and talk about things we related on. I had thought I found someone new to love. Until she introduced me to her boyfriend, crushing my hopes for anything romantic. I had never been one to cause someone to be unfaithful so I backed off and decided to remain friends with her.

That was when Jess reached back out for me, pulling me back into her grasp. I came back on guard to her teasing ways, deciding to give her a little teasing of my own. We became close friends again, she introduced me to her new girlfriend. Stefani was her name, a slim but slightly goth girl. The three of us hung out quite often until Stefani suddenly broke up with Jess. About a week later Stef confessed she had fallen in love with me. Deeply confused with the new found lust, I pushed off her advances for fear of hurting Jess. I came to Jess and announced what I had learned, asking for her permission to pursue this new route.

"I don't care, do whatever you want." Was her reply. Little did I understand what it really meant. I started a relationship with Stefani and left Jess behind, this continued on for a bit until my old love flipped tables onto both of us. Guilt tripping us to infinity. Feeling ashamed of our new found lust we ended the relationship on mutual grounds, both still caring for Jess in a way. Though things still fell apart when Jess moved on. Regretting the fact that I had listened to Jess once again and allowed her to manipulate me, I became depressed once again. I stopped caring about school, stopped caring about friends. I became a shut-in, avoiding the chance to reach out.

Though humans are social creatures, I still occasionally craved interaction. I fell in with groups of junkies, though it had seemed I was not the only one. Pat and I started to seek out thrills together once again. Each week we'd try something new, looking to test every drug at least once. Weed was the normal from the day to day. Something that we related on, a love of smoke caused us to find new friends, new connections. I had met new friends and learned the best and worse of party goers.

Finding two other females who I had love interests in. Though in my depressive state, I lacked the urge to reach out. Only on nights of heavy drinking would they appear. The phrase is, "the truth comes out when you're drunk", though in my sober mind I refused to let myself be hurt as I had in the past.

Nirvana

   Serenity had met her in much the same fashion as Daemona. Though the personalities very distinct, location was the same. The tavern styled bar restaurant welcomed it's customers with open arms. Nirvana appeared and usually kept to herself most of the time. Though her gaze would often follow Serenity while the white feline went about her job serving customers. She'd hand out plates of food and drinks, usually of an alcoholic beverage. The two would rarely ever speak at first, Nirvana was a quiet one. Seeming at peace with the world and her place in it. The air about her exerted openness and honesty. Traits that would soon draw Serenity's eyes away from the average patron.

Nirvana was much more similar to then our white kitten then first realized  Although she was quite different from Serenity's before lover. Nirvana had been a feline much alike the previous, her silky fur was a beige color of sorts. Much softer on the eyes then the contrasting black fur of Daemona, despite being a female as well. Being much more mundane in her characteristics, it had taken quite a longer time before the two would speak. Small idle chats eventually lead to drawn out conversations. Serenity never thought she would find someone so easily to relate to but diverse at the same time. Of course it was only a matter of time before the two would learn enough to become close friends.

While Serenity was reserved in her old ways, often pushing off advances. Nirvana was not afraid to be persistent. Which in turn paid off for the beige cat, finding herself the center of Serenity's attention. Interest bloomed into passion, the spark ignited one steamy night. During their time together, Nirvana introduced our white kitten to many interesting new ways of making love. Even though Serenity had been with a demoness in her past relationship. She was surprised to see all that she had missed out on in intimate affairs. Excited by all the exotic options, Serenity found an attraction and attachment growing steadfast. Soon enough the two became regular lovers.

Though Serenity had not come to understand how the beige feline's openness and honesty would trigger a change in herself. In character virtues came from an out of character area. Inspiration does not come from nowhere. Leading our white kitten to grasp more then she bargained for. As reality came crashing down, Serenity had come to find out that Nirvana was not the gender she'd first appeared. For the fact that the beige cat was actually a transgender. At first Serenity had been upset to learn that things were not as they seemed. This caused an enormous confusion in our angelic kitten. Though she was committed to the relationship, afraid of hurting her new lover.

Nirvana had been a bit of a show off in her true nature. Urging her to bare it all in a skype call. A smooth and soft body appeared on the screen. Surprising, confusing and arousing the young feline all at the same time. In fear of rejection, Serenity forged a lie and claimed to have no means of video or audio. For the white kitten had not revealed that she was a male herself.  To Serenity's dismay, she questioned the idea further. Nirvana had explained that she was on hormonal treatments and continued to say she had always felt more female then male. Causing Serenity to analyze herself as well. Perhaps she had not been the angelic kitty she had once thought.

Of course matters only become more shocking when one day Daemona returned with one of their children in tow. Pulling Serenity away from her new lover. Nirvana eventually moved on and disappeared herself. Quicker then the white kitten could notice. Perhaps there wasn't as strong as a connection Serenity had once thought, a spontaneous thrill for the beige feline maybe. Serenity had always still been wed to her demoness, Though on guard and under a fear of rejection that was not there before.

Daemona

     Serenity had met her at a local bar the feline had worked at, though one could not call the place a night club. The location was more so a tavern of sorts. It happened to be situated in a shopping center that mimicked a castle. Stone brick shops lined the outside of the bar. Patrons would come and go all hours of the day time. There was a menu that offered assorted types of lunches and dinner meals, as well as many types of beers on tap, ales, and micro brews. Serenity had covered many shifts for her co-workers. She'd quickly becoming one of the manager's favorites. She learned to love her place of work, it became a second home for her. It was a social place where returning customers were known by a first name basis. Talking filled the air as drinks and food were passed out.

Daemona happened to be one of those returnee patrons, often chatting up one of the employees. Many had learned of her nature, a metal head with a heart of gold. A brutal honesty to her words, never afraid to speak her mind. Of course, those were traits that had drawn Serenity to talk to her. The two would soon become friends steadfast. Attachment growing between the two as they spent many hours socializing and cuddling. Before long you wouldn't see the two separated very often. Eventually lustful intentions ignited within the two, forming into a loving relationship. It was only a matter of time before a proposal was given, unable to say no to her beautiful kitten, Serenity agreed. After the two had come to an understanding of trust, they would be engaged.

The wedding was dated and rushed in advance as the two were eager to consummate their vows. The castle shopping center sported a wide variety of shops and stores, even a chapel where they were destined to be wed. The ceremony was small and happened to be only close friends and co-workers that lined at most a single row of seats. Serenity wore a beautiful white gown that nearly matched her fur. Daemona sported a black tux that was a red flag of troubles to come. Regardless the two walked down the aisle hand in hand. Both were unable to hide their smiles as they stood at the altar and exchanged vows. They sealed their fates with a kiss and rushed off to a private room to have a passionate night of love making.

Several months passed though one night magical wings sprouted from Daemona's back. Ripping flesh as Serenity panicked and tried her best to comfort her lover. In a sudden spray of blood, wings burst from her shoulder blades. Black skeletal wings seemed to spawn and grow over night, as they would grew pitch black feathers over the next few days. Daemona eventually explained that she was of demonic descent, boasting magical powers to back up her claims. Even though she was essentially a demon, Serenity sparked true love in her heart. Which in turn awoke the demoness' powers. Awe struck by the new found powers. Serenity wished for a pair of her own, and thus she was given her own. Angelic white wings appeared in a far less violent manner, Daemona having gained control of her abilities, it was in no short order to bestow power onto a loved one.

Things between the two ran into issues. The thought of children appeared, though both being female. They debated over different possibilities, causing several arguments. A search for suitors of a sperm donation lead the two to distrust each other. Though with their new found magical essence, the two found a spell to inseminate Serenity without the use of a male. Several days passed and Deamona had disappeared, leading Serenity to nurse a litter of kittens all by herself. She worried over her lost lover but her kittens became her new focus. Months went by as Daemona would appear and vanish once again. Leaving Serenity to raise their children mostly alone. Fortunately, the kittens aged quickly due to their magical and feline heritage.

Kittens grew up and left home as Serenity returned to her tavern, getting her job back with a delighted manager's approval. Months passed with no sign of her kittens or Daemona. Serenity eventually got over her grief and begun to make new friends. Finding herself becoming attracted to one of them, a female by the name of Nirvana. A character that implied a lack of desire and suffering. Virtues that Serenity had come to love since the disappearance of her first love Daemona. Though wanting to remain faithful, Serenity resisted urges and pushed off advances. 

It would seem her efforts were not in vain as Daemona randomly showed up one day, but it was not the same person she had fallen in love with. Daemona was overcome with grief, causing a confession out of her. She had vanished for many reasons, work, perhaps fear of hurting her angelic kitten, for she had an affair with a close phoenix friend of the two. The affair had gone on for months, dating back to the first moments the two discussed children. Feeling hurt and betrayed, Serenity cursed her for her actions, causing another confession to come tumbling free from the guilty conscious of Daemona. In fact, fantasy and reality blended within her, causing a change of character. She admitted that she was never a female in the first place, which in turn caused further distrust in Serenity. 

That was when it happened, Serenity pushed Daemona away and did her best to forget about everything. Though she was in no way on a moral high ground, finding comfort in her new found friend, Nirvana. As well as being male in reality herself. In her grief Serenity allowed herself to be seduced by Nirvana, growing to enjoy their time together. Daemona was no more, unable to be found, even if Serenity had wanted to. She adjusted to life with her new partner. Though her problems would seem to follow her into a new relationship, becoming baggage of sorts.~ 

Every Journey Has to Start Somewhere

   Each person goes through their own adventures, trials and errors before they finally accept themselves. I'm going to use this as a way to express all the different tribulations I've gone through in my life time of denial. It all started with a game I would play in my childhood, Furcadia. I have always had an addiction of sorts to massive multiplayer games and the double life that can come with them. Even before delving into a role playing world such as of Furcadia. First off I feel I should explain about the game a little. It is a text based story writing game of sorts. You create your own character, a 'Fursona' and from there you write a short paragraph about the description, back story, or maybe actions they may be doing the moment you click upon them. I believe this game is what created many 'Furries" as the internet likes to call them. An obsession on anthropomorphic characters that follow in their stead. One could say many of them came from older sites around the web. 4chan is one that was always popular for the idea, coining the phrase "Yiff in hell, furfags".

That being said, 4chan was always the darkest cestpool of the internet, with anonymity humans are truly the most cruel creature on planet earth. Hence my obsession with something else~

Every journey has to start some where

ABOUT

EDIT PROFIL

Here are my experiences, starting from the beginning.
My first character was one named Serenity, a random word I choose that means a sense of calm, or tranquility. I choose this name for several reasons, as a child I was diagnosed ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and put on Ritalin. It was suppose to make me pay better attention in school but often times instead of paying attention. I would get lost in my own mind, zoning out and creating a playground of imagination in my own thoughts. Teachers would call on me and pull me out of my own dreamscape,  asking me questions. I'd grow nervous as I was not paying enough attention, not having the answers they'd search for in me. I grew to detest the feeling, often avoiding answering if I could. I couldn't blame it all on the drug Ritalin, I've always had a distrust in authority figures. These situations only furthered my distrust, each time they made a fool out of me in front of my peers. I began to question if the Ritalin even helped at all. Finding myself getting into more trouble then before. So I stopped taking the drugs, in fear that they would make my problem worse.~

Serenity was a female character, which I choose because I often find myself relating to females more then males. At times I've been called a crybaby, knowing I lacked strength in controlling my emotions. Often times I would of been mistaken as a girl when I was a child. Mostly due to the fact I kept my hair long. My mother told me I was born with a 'rat tail' a hairstyle boys of the 80s wore. Of all my peers I could find myself making friends with more of the females then males. They could understand me better I had thought. More often then females, males would bully me forcing me to fight back which I hated to do. I had always been more of a lover then a fighter. Everything added together and caused me to grow a distrust and bias against other males.~

Serenity was also a feline, as a young child we had a dog named Samantha, she was pudgy and round hound mutt that had arthritis issues. Colored in mostly white with brown and orange markings. I remember from a very young age growing attached. until one day... she was gone. I had not experienced death yet and I came home from school to find her covered in a sheet, motionless on the floor. My parents had found her first but did not move her till I was there. I cried like a baby for my loss. Since I've always been afraid to grow attached to dogs. Though his feeling did not happen in relation to cats, we had a family cat as well, named Max. A tabby of black and gray, also pudgy and round. He seemed to live forever, outlasting my childhood. He might of grown to the age of  18 years old when he was finally taken to the vet to be put down. But I was not there to see it happen. Perhaps it was I felt cats were more feminine, so more to relate too. Maybe I saw them as more independent  of their human families, something I always had trouble finding in myself.~

Serenity had white fur with blue hair. Simply white to imply innocence,  purity of heart, strength of compassion and kindness. All things I've striven to be better at. As well as the fact that I was of Caucasian heritage. Blue hair came from my love of cartoons and anime. Always the nerdy child, playing video games or watching Saturday morning cartoons. Pokemon blue also happened to be my favorite as a child. I'd play it every day on the school bus until my mother decided I was old enough to walk home. Which in turn opened myself up to harassment from my peers, mainly males who choose to bully me for reasons I did not understand. Further increasing my bias against those of the same gender.~

Serenity ended up being everything I had long to be... but I was not the only one to notice. Furcadia as it's nature is an multi-player game. It wasn't long before I found my first secret lover. Her name was Daemona, a true opposite of my pure and white character. Though she was also a feline character, Daemona was black furred with yellow markings. That was when I had gotten my first pair of wings, her's sprouted first, a skeletal set with black feathers, mine were a fluffy set with white feathers. We'd swap music and stories of passionate love. Spending as many hours together as we could. She had looked as if she was the work of a devil, but to me... She was my fallen angel.~

Though not all love stories end in happiness.